Republican ex-senator Rick Santorum has long been engaged in a personal crusade to save the world one embryo at a time by working to ban abortion and birth control. Recently, however, Santorum has turned his attention to another spiritual evil -tampons. His goal is to convince women and girls to stop using these immoral objects and to introduce a bill that will make them illegal in the United States by 2013.
What does Santorum have against these innocent-looking wads of cotton and string? Well, for starters, Santorum is bothered by their shape. "Innocent-looking?? Did you ever take a good look at tampons? I have. I've unwrapped a few of Karen's in my time - just for research purposes of course. They are white and cylindrical; some are thin, some are short and fat, and others are long, thick and tapered...." [Here his voice trails off and he mops his brow]. After a long pause, Santorum continued, "Where were we? Oh, right. Tampons are just plain evil - they promote sexual behavior by getting girls used to placing objects in their bodies. According to God, the only things that should go into a female's private parts are her husband's you know what after her wedding and a pair of forceps when she is giving birth to his children. If she puts objects in her body she will get sent to hell. I'm paying a lot of money for my daughter's college tuition and I don't want it wasted it on a hell-bound young woman with loose morals".
Santorum's dislike of tampons doesn't stop with their use by unmarried girls, however. "Tampons are the devil's playground. If a married woman places an object in her ... um, you know... she'll feel pleasure and the church says that is immoral for a woman. She will become addicted to it and before you know it, she will be using tampons even when she is not menstruating. Soon after that, she will start refusing to have marital relations and there will be no more procreation. Besides, when a woman inserts a tampon, her fingers brush up against her womanly parts. That is masturbation and it is a sin according to the Bible. Do you want YOUR wife to go to hell? I don't. I haven't spent hundreds of thousands of dollars on her upkeep only to wind up spending eternity without a helpmeet."
Don't let Santorum's dislike of tampons lull you into the false idea that he sanctions maxi-pads, however. "Eve used fig leaves", he stated emphatically. "If you look at any picture of Eve in the Garden of Eden, you will see her fig-leaf maxi-pad. I believe that is what God intended for women to use - scratchy, pointed leaves that painfully remind a woman of her original sin whenever she sits down or tries to take a step. Maxi-pads are too soft and cushiony; they allow a woman to forget her sinful nature. So join me in support of this anti-tampon bill and let's make 2013 a tampon-free year - for America and for God!"
